A Christmas Poem for the Cynical
'Twas the day before Christmas, when all through my house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; (because no one lives here but me) The stockings were hung on the shelves with great care, Making me grieve over the dogs that were no longer here; The Pekes had all peed and thrown up in their beds; While visions of chew hooves and liver danced in their heads; I, in my jeans and my sloppy sweatshirt too, Had just cleaned the floor when I stepped in dog poo, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Parted the curtains and threw up the sash.
The clouds threw a shadow on the mud – yep, no snow, And made dark and gray all objects below, When what to my wondering eyes did appear, But thirty-two turkeys and an eight month-old can of root beer. A sad reminder of him whom I’d lost
And the fact that we were, I suppose, star-crossed.
The Turkeys fluttered and pecked at the can
But then a car came and they all ran.
The little old driver was so lively and quick, I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
This was supposed to be paradise
I told him twice,
Where I could live out my life
Knowing peace and not strife.
But talking to turkeys gets old really quick
So I hoped that he whom I'd lost would soon come back (that dick).
He whistled and shouted and called me by name
Then wagged his finger at me in great shame.
“If you wish to have peace not unhappiness or strife
You must live alone for the rest of your life.
It only takes two people together in a room
For there to be nothing but gloom and doom.
Families sit at tables pretending to love
But after food and some wine, they willing don a glove
They bicker and they fight,
Dredge up old grievances that smite
Until everyone wonders why they chose to come
And vow that next year they won’t be so dumb.
So be happy alone,
Don’t cry or moan
Love your dogs and your words
And those big gawky birds
You don’t need family or friends or that prick
You will be happy again in no time quick.
I have to go now; this is my present to you
I hope you now have a clue
About lovers and family and friends
That Christmas is nothing but peace and joy,
And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, into the car he rose; But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-- "Christmas – Ugh, Bah Humbug to all!"